Moving on is weird

I'm not really sure if I am moving on, or if I even want to. I don't exactly feel good, but also not exactly sad (which isn't totally true). The best way I can describe this is like when something traumatic happens and your brain just puts a black veil over the memories and feelings when you start to think about it again. I definitely am still heart broken, and the really sad thing is I know if she called today and told me to come I would. But it also feels like if I totally move on, and the pain goes away then the last part I have of her will also be gone. So I cling to it.

I still do the pathetic stuff like checking social media, although I do try really hard to stop myself. Both for the invasion of privacy to her but also for my own mental health. It almost feels like I'm looking for any little sign to know 'does she still care?' or 'I wonder if she thinks of me too'. Before it was to know if I was right, but I know that I was right now and she had moved on. I think that's why my mind has put the veil over it because damn did this one fucking break me. I wrote another post about it here that talks about the heartbreak in general. I know how much I wanted to forget in the beginning, so I guess my mind is just protecting me. But I just feel stuck in this weird in between now. A part of me will probably never give up hope which I know is stupid. Taking a step forward just feels wrong though, I know it means the real end and I don't think I could handle that.

Either way I am still trying to live my life. Go to events, see other people, try to take care of myself. A mix because I know I deserve that but also because it's one of the last promises I made to her which is that I will be okay. Even though it's over, I still feel the need to keep at least some of the promises I made. Although I went back on a few of them because I'm trash. But I can't really change those now. But anyways, moving on is a weird concept to me and I don't know if it will ever be a thing for me in this.