My first real heartbreak

I had my first wlw (woman loving woman) heartbreak recently. For those that are not part of the LGBTQ community, it is the most devastating thing I have ever experienced, to say the least. Now we were never actually in a committed relationship, we were in a situationship (also common in this community) for a little over a year. A situationship is basically when two people have feelings for each other, and have all the benefits of a relationship, without the commitment of one. Generally it's just a way to end up heartbroken, which I did!

I think one of the hardest parts, is figuring out what was real and what wasn't. Now I know my feelings were real and I really hope hers were too. But that's a bit hard to believe knowing she got into another situationship in less than a week after ours ended. Knowing that this new girl is getting literally everything I had begged for for a year. The weekend time, going to places and events together, hanging out during the day. We did a lot in the year that we were together, but the one constant is how she told me she didn't want a relationship and wasn't looking for one. From everyone, not just me! So you could say I was a bit surprised to learn that she actually WAS looking for a relationship, just not one with me.

I asked time and time again, what reason she had to not date me. Her reason? She didn't have one. She loved me, never felt this way with anyone else that she had with me, I made her happy, feel safe. I helped heal her and allowed her to be her true self. All this from her! So as we continued I assumed she still wasn't ready to be with anyone. But that was not so, apparently. I still do not understand how two people, can have no real reason to not be together and care so deeply, but one can be so adamant that it won't work. How do you know if you don't try??? What if it does? How can someone tell you that they wish you had met later, so that it could be you and yet not try for that now?

We promised each other that if we met again in the future we would be together. I prayed for this everyday. But I also made decisions at the end when I was hurting, that I know I have ruined that. I decided in a moment of pain and weakness that if I was going to hurt so was she. And if we would never be together I might as well give her a reason to hate me and move on. Which I of course regret tremendously now. But what's done is done.

She is an amazing person, I know that. I also know she deserves to be happy. I have never stopped loving her and I don't think I ever will. I had been in many relationships before this, and I had always said I had been in love before. But now I don't know if I ever really was before her. I had never felt and changed and grew with someone before. It was beautiful and painful and exciting and stressful. It was truly a once in a life time love.

I know she will never come back, and I will never get to experience this love again. But a small part of me will never be able to give up hope on us.. perhaps not in this life but another.