The in between

The in between of getting better and stuck in the past is almost worse than being stuck in the darkest parts. I've been doing my best to enjoy life and take care of myself, which I actually have been! I've been going to different events, making new friends and new love interests (although I use that term lightly). I've even been working really hard to keep my apartment clean! Yet despite all that it feels like I've been thinking about her and everything that happened even more than before.

Something they posted came up on my social media, which honestly destroyed me. This happened the day after I had decided I can no longer check up on that. That I need to move on because it was killing me. Yet life so kindly decided to remind me of what I was trying to avoid and move past and threw it directly into my face. Not ideal, to say the least. But I really have been trying to get better.

I'm just waiting for the day it won't envelope my thoughts. When do I get be happy and not think about it? That's what they're doing. Will I get to meet someone better one day? I'm tired of feeling like a loser. But I've also been enjoying the parts of life I never have before. And I truly have only her to thank for that. Watching her be in love with being alive was inspiring. I told her I would always have that, and I do. I'm experiencing what it's like to enjoy being alive. But I wanted to do this with her. Unfortunately I was not the one she wanted and I just have to live with that. Hopefully that acceptance comes sooner rather than later.